Adam Lanier: 10 Years Later, Still Making An Impact

This is without question the toughest blog I have had to write in my six years of blogging.

Many of you know my only brother, Justin Adam Lanier, passed away of an accidental drug overdose after fighting substance abuse for six years prior. This Thursday, January 28 will mark 10 years since he left us in the physical.

Imagine your worst day ever. Well this day was 100 times as worst. And often it feels as it just happened.

Here are some tidbits/facts for those that didn't get the chance to know my brother, and for those that did.

1. He was born March 2, 1983 in Divine Savior Hospital in York, SC. (now closed). He arrived into the world feet first (breech birthed).

2. He was always very active and hyper, walking and running at only six months. To my recollection, he never had to learn, he just did it.

3. His baby names were "Lovey" and "Fatwad". If you saw his early pics, you would see why.

4. Adam was always popular, having many friends around. That continued throughout his life.

5. My brother had a natural gift with the ladies and young children. Both gravitated towards him. He was quite the entertainer. I'm confident he would have been an awesome father and possibly husband.

6. Adam was actually pretty smart in school, he just didn't apply himself. He was all about friends, girls, and fitting in.

7. His favorite holiday was Halloween and he made a huge deal out of it yearly.

8. He lived life to the fullest, possibly because he knew he didn't have a lot of time on Earth.

9. We didn't have a lot in common at all,  but one thing we shared was a deep and loyal love for our mother. No one messed with our mama!

10. Adam was in the high school marching and jazz band for six years, playing the drums. He won many awards and was simply skilled.

11. His resemblance to rapper Eminem was uncanny, especially once he dyed his own hair.

12. My mom's house was the local teenage hangout for a number of years. Many parties were thrown weekly.

13 He, like our grandpa Frosty, was extremely superstitious.

14. His death has inspired others in his circle and age group to do many great things. Many of them didn't want to be a statistic. I would give anything to get him back, but I take solace in the fact that others loved him so much and he made such an impact on their lives.

This day is never easy for me or my mother. We have learned to celebrate the man he was becoming, and to tell the positive stories of his life. He can be a cautionary tale and an inspiration.

R.I.P. Justin Adam Lanier #forever22

Let's Get Ready To Rumble: Mother and Child Edition

Many of us get into it with our mothers from time to time.Even as adults, we may not still curse or talk back to them. But there has seemingly been a collective head bumping since puberty that seems to take decades to taper off.

I can speak from experience here. My mom and I have gotten really heated at times. We have had to fall back from each other for often days at a time. Yes we have an awesome relationship but it's not all peaches and cream.

It seems like girls are more than likely to fight and fuss with their mothers, while guys typically want to be more protective and quiet.  Also with guys, you want to treat your mother well. That's where it starts as a child. You will tend to treat other women well.

Here are four quick tips on facilitating the healing after a blowout with your mom.

1. Distance

Realize what has happened and back away from the situation. Trust me here. Give it a day or two, then talk it out like civilized adults.

2. Admit your shortcomings.

Yes when mama's unhappy, everybody is, even when she's in the wrong. Admit your own faults, and try to find common ground. 

3. Let It Go

Sometimes it's simply not that crucial to be getting all upset about. It could also have long term effects. You may win the battle, but you'll lose the war. Choose your words and battles carefully and know when to leave it alone.

4. End the altercation in peace.

This is the hardest but after common ground, find some peace in the midst of conflict. You may need a buffer to assist,  but you don't wanna leave things too tense for too long. Most of us want peace and not war anyways, especially with the person that brought us into this world.

Remember fights are often inevitable but there's usually nothing beyond repair. Keep it moving and don't stop loving your mother. You only have one after all.

What is the worst fight you and your mother ever had? How did you deal with it?

Mothers: Navigating The Tough Times Together

The popular saying is "tough times don't last. Tough people do."  And in my mind, the real mothers of this world are the toughest people on the planet.

That being said, they are still human, emotional and prone to suffering. This is all a part of the journey of dealing with mothers full time.

Mother's Day is often the easiest part for the children and mothers alike. You spend the day with them, shower them with gifts, feed them, and make sure they don't have a care for that entire day.

Ironically, the day after Mother's Day is a Monday, arguably one of the toughest days of the week. It gets real again. Often the mothers realize what hasn't been done, what was floated or put off, and the fact that school is winding down and summer is beginning.

This can be a lot of stress in itself. But then you throw in the perils of life and you have some real challenges ahead.

Don't fret, there are coping mechanisms. One, do more listening than you ever have. Coming off the Mother's Day high is not always smooth. Oftentimes they may not mean what they say the way it comes out. Therefore, listen, be there, and don't feel like you have to be Mighty Mouse and save the day.

Also, proper planning will help. Before all of the Mother's Day or other festivities, make it your priority to diffuse any current and possible stress coming along the horizon. Are her bills good? Does her grass need cutting? How is her car running? Does she have a clean bill of health?  These are some of the issues to be addressed, especially once your mother is older and many of the roles have switched.

So just remember that being the child is not easy either. But you are definitely not alone. Practice lots of patience, stay within your character, take care of what you can and don't concern yourself with what you can't control. Most of all, don't stop showing unconditional love. Your mom didn't during your rough patches and phases and you can't either.

Also, tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start. Call your mother in a couple days, let her do the talking but be ready to help where necessary.

How do you and your mother get along? When the bad times come, what do you do to deal with it all?

Seven Different Types Of Mothers (All Are Special)

I have another series coming up and since it's almost Mother's Day, I thought there was no better time to start this about mothers and some of the different types. I will focus on some of the positive and comical types to keep this post lighthearted and loving. 

1. The Smother

You know her, you've seen her, you may be her. You're overprotective, at the school or wherever in a New York minute to come to your child's rescue. Some may critique you because you won't allow your child to be involved in much and it appears you are sheltering them. However, this is simply your way of showing love and that is not always wrong.

2. The Super-Competitive

This is the mom that not only wants to keep up with the Joneses or be the average sports moms, they encourage and drive their children to be the best at everything they do: school, music, and sports. They may even take this as a reflection of them. They have a competitive, winning power, and they want their kids to have it as well. That being said,...

3. The Soccer Mom

You cannot forget this mom , even minus the minivan or SUV. They are super involved in any and every activity that the child is in. You often think they either work at the school or coach the team because you see them so often. However, they are simply that involved. They also lead every major committee and fundraiser, and often serve as surrogates to the other children.

4. The Neighborhood Mom/Surrogate.

Who remembers back in the 80s and early 90s the mom on the block that always fed you snacks and perhaps even served other parental roles and responsibilities? This type of mom still exists, but is more rare. They took care of their children and kept an eye out for the other kids as well. It was the village mentality, not leaving any child behind.

5.  The Modern Mom

This can be broad but to define "modern" means more innovative, hip, and into the modern times. They have full time careers and activities and balance these and motherhood well. These moms may be the most common as many households are now two income. They may lack flash and flare, but they are still good mothers and get the job done.

6. The Single Mom

I would be remissed (and perhaps disowned by my own mother and several friends and relatives) if I left this one out. It needs very little explanation but it takes independence and modern to another level. They have to play both parental roles, and they may be run down because they have very little help. You better believe this is the toughest job in the world, with seemingly no end in sight. I'm willing to bet the President of the United States has more time on his hands than a single mother.

7. The Best Friend

This is almost impossible and takes lot of work. However, with the proper children and parents, it came become reality, especially as the kids become older. You realize how important your mother is, how much she does care, and that she won't leave you when others have.

I will leave this list at seven and may add more in future series. But as we celebrate Mother's Day, let's celebrate all of their sacrifices. Nine months (give or take a few weeks) in labor, sleepless nights, no break, little to no pay, and still doing it with lots of love and care. Happy Mother's Day to all of the true mother figures!

Misunderstanding Mother's Day and Women

Today was Mother's Day, a rightful and appropriate homage to mothers and mother figures everywhere.  Many of you know I'm very grateful for my mother. I show this love and appreciation not only on this day, but everyday. I feel most children do. However,  you always have those that use this day to showcase what great children they are, when they barely honor or talk to their mothers.

Sorry if this blurb is taking a dark turn. I'm mostly going on the commercial and social side. 

Mother's Day is a common holiday, and very commercial and misunderstood. Businesses,  especially restaurants, florists and card companies, all capitalize on folks showing their mothers all this love for one day. Back before cell phones were popular,  the long distance companies use to make a good grip from calls made on this holiday.

Now I don't think Mother's Day is yet ruined or over commercialized like Christmas or even Valentine's Day. I believe often we miss the forest for the trees. It's about giving moms that special day, among many days. There is little argument that they deserve it. We just can't forget the true meaning of the holiday: showing love to your mother.  This doesn't always mean buying her the most expensive gift,  taking her to the best restaurant, getting her the best deals in packages and gifts available. 

The bottom line is your mother must know she is loved, and regularly.  Women need that appreciation and validation,  especially for all of the thankless tasks they do for others. However,  don't let it be a competition as to who is treating their mother better, or whom loves their mom the most. You love her,  she knows it, and you show it regularly.  That is what truly matters.

I have a very simple mom. I always make sure she has a nice gift,  a card, and doesn't have to cook for herself or others on that day. I ask her what SHE wants,  not what I want to get her, and I deliver. One must be in tune with their mom, wife, grandma, etc.  Please her on this day, and everyday.

The bottom line is this holiday should be used to show your own interpretation of love between you and your mother,  NOT what society, social media, and commercials tell you. This may be a grand gesture,  this may be a small one. Either way, it should be unique and fitting for the mother.

That being said, Happy Mother's Day to my mom, Debbie Lanier, and all moms! Here's hoping that you the love you displayed,  the gifts and such you bought, were all from the heart and what she wanted.  That is truly honoring the motherly women in your lives.

Caretaking: From A Rookie's Point Of View

This year took quite a turn for me and my mother on January 22 of this year.

I was just getting off from work when she called telling me she fell from her backsteps and believed to have broken her leg. I immediately flew down I-85 to her home. She had made it into the house, but could not walk or stand. It appeared she had broken or twisted her ankle. I helped her to my car and we went to the emergency room.  After a three hour stay, they determined her left ankle was extremely fractured, as well as bones in her leg and knee. She would be out of commission for weeks and months.

Suddenly, I was thrust into the role of caretaker. Similar to death, there is no warning or preparation. I knew one day as my mom got older that I may have to take on this role, just not on this cold wintery day.

During the first two months, especially following her surgery, I had to take care of her and her household duties. I took over the cooking, cleaning, errand running, driving, and feeding of her animals. This was a huge adjustment for me, along with holding down a full time job and my writing and workout regimens. 

This experience has shown the both of us who really cares for us. Many people have called, texted, hit me up on social media or asked as I've been out and about. Some people have even helped with some of her needs or looked out for her when I couldn't take off from work. However, I have been doing the majority of the stuff for her.

The healthier my mother has gotten, the easier things have been for me. She had to be in a wheelchair because her arms were not strong enough for crutches or a walker. Mom was able to begin putting weight on her foot in mid-March and that was good for both of us. She could stand up for short periods of time and do some housework, and even cook and do more for herself. She even cooked Easter dinner with my assistance, her first meal since the accident.

On April 26, I came home to a pleasant suprise. My mom had taken her first steps since the fall. She has taken more, is using the walker more, and is further on the road to full recovery. There is still some deadness in her ankle area, and she feels pain if she is on her foot too long. She is working towards walking full time again.

Thus far this month, she gained the courage to go into the grocery store with me and pick out her own items. She finally was able to take a shower this past weekend. These are things many take for granted, but these are milestones to us.

I pray now that the hardest parts are over, and my mom will have the courage and confidence to continue to recover. It's up to her now.  Some days she wears herself out because she wants things to return to the normal she knows. But she is remaining patient and so am I.

I feel I have learned a lot not just about caretaking, but about my mother. I never really realized what all she does, and her certain ways and quirks. I have had to channel my adulthood and manhood to survive this.  My time this year has been cut in half and I have had to manage it more carefully and sacrifice more. This is my mother and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm very fortunate that my mom's condition is improving.  Things could have been way worse. She fell nearly five feet so she actually got off lucky only suffering a broken ankle. She could have been paralyzed or even killed. I'm so blessed that she is still with me.

Yesterday of course was Mother's Day and this one was extra special. My mother and I have always been close. Now I feel an even deeper appreciation and love for her. I'm leaving this in God's hands. Despite the hard times and bad days, I know He doesn't put any more on us than we can bear.

I have a week off from work coming soon, plus it's almost summertime. I'm looking forward to resting, relaxing, more consistently warm weather, and seeing my mom be able to be herself again.

It takes a special heart and love to be a caretaker. I honestly had doubts I could do it. However, I prayed, sought out the advice of others, and did my research on her injury, recovery, rehab, and caretaking in general. I've been able to do the seemingly impossible.

I refuse to give up helping my mother in whatever she needs. Also, I pray she doesn't give up her fight as her road to recovery may be shorter than she thinks.