Guest Post: Yes I Need Liquor To Have A Good Time. Fight Me!

This guest blogger is one of my favorite ones to read, and an awesome person as well. Avella is a modern superwoman: corporate America employee, single mother, graduate school student, and blogger. Plus, she likes to get out and have fun with her girls and her daughter of course. Her blogs are not only intriguing, but raw. She says the stuff many folks are thinking, but wouldn't dare say aloud. Her blog is asrealasig@wordpress.com, and she blogs frequently. I would suggest you follow her for truth about life, relationships (romantic and friendships), ignorant people, pop culture, and other topics. I would like to thank her publicly for allowing me to use her blog post about partying and drinking. I hope you all enjoy her viewpoints and rationale. Love her or hate her, Avella is going to tell you like it is!

I was just talking to my homie about this and thought I would share what I discussed with him.

I've come to the conclusion that it is impossible for me to have a good time at the club if I'm sober. I'm sure this sounds like a poorly veiled cry for help from a closeted alcoholic but let me explain.

I hate a lot of things. You all should know this by now. Despite the fact that I'll usually go to these venues when I'm Bean-free, I've realize that I actually hate the club....when I'm sober. I've thought about every time I wasn't drinking or under estimated my tolerance and wound up sober in a club. I realized those instances were just awful! Like seriously, how are people able to have a good time in a club without alcohol?!

I'm not even talking about a need to be sloppy, embarrassing, black-out drunk. That is even worse than being sober in the club. I'm talking about needing a nice buzz that takes the edge off.I know for fact that if, Heaven forbid, there were some circumstance that prevented me from drinking for an extended period of time, I would just stop going out altogether.

I've decided to compile a list for you all of exactly why going to the club sober is by far, one of the suckiest things you could ever do:

1) People are ugly. When I'm sober in the club, my natural critical nature is heightened to the 12th power. It's almost like I gain X-ray vision and develop this super sensory ability to fully examine a person within 8 seconds and list every single physical flaw on his/her body. Everyone just seems atrocious. Alcohol makes me think that everyone is extremely attractive. It's like I'm in utter awe at how I'm surrounded by beautiful men and women. This of course is a huge problem when I realize that I've given my real number out to dudes I wouldn't ordinarily give the time of day.

2)People are so annoying and extra. To piggy back off my knack for nit-picking, being sober also allows me to notice just how weird/annoying/extra/creepy/gross everyone is who goes to the club. The girls who are being too extra, dying for attention....The dudes who are hollering at everything they assume has a vagina...The awkward dudes/girls who you can tell have no experience in social interaction....The girl who keeps looking at me all night. Yeah, all of them. When I'm drinking, not only do I not notice any of this behavior, but I'm likely to even be courteous to these losers.

3)Hood shit. Though I make it my business to not step foot near any hood venue, sometimes accidents happen. I have been in situations where, due to my companions and poor planning, we ended up in a Category 4 or better Urban spot. (Category 4 or better means hood rats and hood nggs can easily be found at that location and there's a good chance you will smell reefer smoke in the air). I hate hoodrats with a burning passion. I have a love/hate relationship with hood nggs though. They are fun to play with but I come from a good home and I'm a mother. I can't seriously entertain the notion of dating one. Pfffft! Nonetheless, when I'm sober, it seems like their hood antics are on a level 10. I just cannot deal. I get angry, repulsed, and unconsciously start to act out my resume. This means I start sticking my nose in the air and acting like the stereotypical, post-collegiate/grad student/sorority girl/corporate job/ bougie bitch that I'm assumed to be. Alcohol makes me ignore the purple weaves, pierced faces, and Citi-trends attire. I don't even realize Shaquawallema is bussin it open whilst smokin a black and drinkin a Four-loko she snuck in. She's just having a great time and is awesome entertainment.

4)Music. I know I'm getting old because I hate everything I hear on the radio. I don't understand how these music execs can market this shit to the masses! What's more, I don't understand how any adult in their right mind can actually say they like this bullshit! When I'm in the club, if I hear "love on top" I feel like someone is twisting a machete in my ears....I'd actually rather that then have to listen to "love on top" anymore. How the fuck do you play ballads in the night club???! Crappy ballads at that??? No one is falling in love at this mutherfcker! When I'm drinking, every song is my song, however. The DJ is a musical genius with psychic abilities because he knows just want I need to hear. Earlier, whilst sober, the music was awful. As soon as I started drinking, the music magically got incredible. I can go from Waka Flocka to Soulja boy, to nicki minaj, to beyawnce, to sweet home Alabama without missing a beat.

5) I dance like a white girl. So I have the typical bottom heavy/top light southern figure the boys seem to like. Don't let that fool you into thinking that I'm doing some magic tricks on the dance floor though. It's not that I can't dance but because I'm so extremely critical of myself when I'm dancing and sober, I feel like everyone is just looking at me. I spend so much time in my head worried about if my butt cheeks are jiggling with the bass-line and whether I look sexy, that I end up looking really tense and I feel awkward. This is even if someone bamboozles me to dance before I start drinking. I NEVER dance whilst sober for that very reason. I'm awkward even though I don't appear to be on the surface. Once I start drinking though, I am officially the baddest chick in the club. I am the undiscovered King Cover Model and worthy to be on any red carpet with some rap ngga. Also, I move like I'm trying to get pregnant. All that tense, awkwardness flies out the window and my body moves so fluid and seductive your peen would start to engage and want to prepare for battle. In other words, I'm the shit on that drank.

6) Too many people are there. I'm antisocial as fuck. I hate large groups of people. This probably doesn't make sense because I only want to go to venues and events (CIAA) that I know will be packed. I also am fully aware that these places could contain those unsavory characters I don't like. Well, I go only because I know I will be drinking. Everyone is in my way when I'm sober. Everyone is too close and invading my personal space when I'm sober. Oh but lo and behold, when I'm drinking....what crowd? Who cares that this dude is close enough to impregnate me? Who cares that this girl's boobs are resting comfortably on my back? We're having a good time! Fuck it!

7)Lack of crowd. This one is actually common for a lot of people. Nothing is worse than getting all dolled up to attend a party/club that's damn near empty. Being sober while attending this event is downright depressing. What's the solution? You guessed it: alcohol and lots of it. I cannot even count the number of times me and my friends have had to resort to alcohol to compensate for the lack of party-goers. The sparsely covered dance floor just meant that we had more space to showcase our awesome dance moves and completely ignore the fact that other people were there. Every song was awesome and we got extra love from the DJ or club host for trying to liven the joint up. Plus we get cooler faster since the dance floor is damn near empty and cold.

8)Life. My mind is always ticking. If I'm sober in a club, because I'm already not having fun, I'm likely to utilize that time to mull over some life-issue that's aggravating me. I could be stressed, in my feelings about something, in need of some peen, and so on. This self-relection coupled with being surrounded by annoying people is likely to lead to a night filled with Nyquil and evil social network rants. Alcohol makes me forget everything that's bothering me. What stress? What bills? What loser dude? I go home and fall fast asleep into a deep, alcohol-induced coma completely worry-free.

Some people brag about their ability to have a good time in the club sans alcohol like it's worthy of a badge of honor or some shit. Kudos to you! I'm glad that all you Rihannas can find love in a hopeless place. I have not an ounce of shame admitting that I simply cannot be great in a club without liquor. Apparently, club owners know that the club sucks if you're sober too. If it didn't suck so bad then why would they serve liquor in the club in the first place??? Exactly!