This is an hilarious guest blog from my long time friend, high school classmate, and fellow blogger, Aaron Earls. Enjoy!
My first memory of music is listening to my parents old Supremes LPs, which is a bit odd since I grew up in a very white house. Just to be clear, I said " very white," not " Barry White." That would be a completely different connotation. I also don't mean "white house" as in"White House." My dad was not the President, I just mean I grew up in a house that had absolutely no rhythm at all. In fact, my dancing consisted of trying to sway to the beat and avoid stepping on the girl's toes. One thing I did learn, however, was to appreciate good Motown music. This grew into a love of R&B in the 90's. I had all the CDs (back when CDs were still the new thing) - New Edition, Tony! Toni! Toné!, Dru Hill, 112, Az Yet, and *NSync. No, I'm sorry. I don't know how that got in there. I swear I didn't jam out to Heart. Really. But the group for 90's R&B was Boyz II Men. Who didn't love Boyz II Men in the 90's? My only regret from high school is that I never got a high top fade. OK, maybe that's not entirely true, but I did love me some CooleyHighHarmony. I always I always wondered if I could go to Philadelphia and find everyone singing four part harmony or rapping like The Fresh Prince. After listening to so many of these R&B groups, you start to notice a pattern. You start to see the same basic type show up over and over again. No matter how many members are in the group, more or less, they will all be one of these five guys - the top 5 members of a 90's R&B group.
5. Pretty But Can't Sing Guy- When you listen to the CD, there's always that one voice that sounds a little "off." Something is just not right about it. It sounds more autotuned than the rest of the voices. You wonder why would this group have someone who can't sing that well. Then you see the CD cover and there he is standing in front of everyone else without his shirt on, 18- pack abs shining like a new moon. That's why he's in the group.
4. Ugly But Crazy Good Singer Guy - Almost hidden behind shirtless Pretty But Can't Sing Guy, you can barely make out someone. Is he in the group or was he just some guy that accidentally wandered into their photo shoot. When you open up the CD and see all the individual photos, you see he is part of the group and there is a reason why he was hiding behind the wall of abs - whoa, that guy is a mess. when you hear the voice, you know that's the Ugly But y But Crazy Good Singer Guy. He can hit every note and carry every song. That's why he's in the group.
3. High Voice Guy
For some reason, we want to hear a man sing like a girl and hit an unbelievably high note. We want him to shatter the windows in our car when he holds that last note. I'm not sure if we are just amazed with his ability to somehow both be a man and hit a note that would make Mariah Carey impressed. Usually High Voice Guy is younger than the rest of the guys. He's also the guy who usually gets replaced more often. Maybe, they have to keep finding guys whose voice hasn't changed yet. You've got 40 year old men with a 14 year old boy touring the country. But, man, he can hit that high note.
2. Deep Voice Guy - Every group has the Deep Voice Guy. You have to have the Deep Voice Guy. Who else is going to talk in a sexy voice over the interlude? Who else can start every sentence with"Baby"? You can't have Pretty But Can't Sing Guy do it. High Voice Guy would just sound weird. You need Deep Voice Guy to smooth things out with a "Baby, I'm sorry I did you wrong. I love you, just come home." I've often wondered if he could just saw absolute gibberish and still have girls swoon over his deep voice. "Baby, running back, smelly socks. Door knob, bags of rocks. Yeah."
1. Somebody's Brother Guy- Then there's the guy who's featured on the cover, but he doesn't look like he should. He's also got a ton of solos, but he doesn't sound like he should have those either. Then you see his last name. He's the Somebody's Brother Guy. Maybe he's the brother of one of the other guys you have to have in the group. Maybe he's the brother of the album producer or record label head. It's not that he's ugly or that he can't sing at all, but he's kind of just average. This guy is also usually the one who splits the group up. He starts to think he's too good and wants to do a solo project. Everybody finally tells him he's only there because of his brother. Now him and the brother are upset. The whole group breaks up. Some do solo projects. Some try to keep the same group name, but with different members. None of it ever sounds as good. They finally decide to get over themselves and get back together, record another great album and be big stars again. Too bad, the industry and audience has moved on to Disney Channel stars and pop singers wearing strange outfits. Are there any members in every R&B group that I missed? Thanks to Drew for the opportunity to guest post. Every Friday, I try to do a funny top 5 at my blog, blog, TheWardrobeDoor.com. The rest of the week, I blog about the connection between my relationship with Christ and everyday life. You can also find me on Twitter, @wardrobedoor.
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