Grieving: been there, done that, and what you shouldn't do

Losing a loved one can be devastating, even destroying your whole world and those in it around you. It's always toughest when you lose a best friend, sibling, parent, or the ultimate nightmare, one of your OWN children.

I've watched my mother suffer through the latter, ever since January 28, 2006, when my younger brother, Adam, passed away from an accidental drug overdose. That was the worst and toughest day of my life, and my toughest loss to date. It's like not only did I lose my only sibling, I lost a part of my mother. She's been strong (as I described in an earlier blog) but there's a part of her that can never be replaced, even with a future grandchild.

Along with my brother, I have lost best friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and even my own father (although I wasn't old enough to remember that one).

When someone you know suffers a tragic loss such as this, the natural instinct is to come to their rescue. Visit them, call them, bring money and food to their homes. Come around everyday until and during the wake, receiving of friends, and the funeral. I know folks that actually spend their weekends going to funerals. Morbid if you ask me.

Personally, I will comfort the grieving family during their loss and before the funeral. However, I'm not one to pretty much stay around the family unless they're extremely close to me. The grieving folks need their space, they're in extreme shock, tired from dealing with funeral arrangements, family, friends, etc, and often working on limited sleep.

The two main things I try to do (if possible) is make either one or all of the three: wake, receiving friends, and funeral. That's the least anyone can do. But that's when the grieving really begins and many folks fail to realize this. It's after all of the people have gone home, the body's in the ground or the urn is in safe keeping that one can truly begin the often-long process of moving on with that person they've grown accustomed to having in their lives.

Here are some basics dos and don'ts from a veteran griever and comforter on how to approach, talk to and even nurture the hurting loved ones.

Dos: Definitely keep in touch with the family, let them know you will be there for them. Although it's not my preference, call, visit with them prior to the funeral. Send money, food, peace lilies, etc, to show your good will. Show up for the funeral if at all possible. Most importantly, give the folks a few days to a week after the funeral. Then make arrangements to visit them and just talk with them, see how everything is going. Let them do most of the talking. Give kind comforting words, but only when necessary. Be comfortable as possible when dealing with these situations, especially for the mothers that have lost children

Don'ts: Call everyday, go to the house EVERY single day. You're only drawing attention to yourself, and honestly the grieving parties aren't going to remember you as well as you think. Make your visits few and far in between, and brief. Also, don't tell any false stories or memories about the deceased. If you two so much as never watch a TV show together, don't try and say "I remember how their laughter was. They loved to hang out". Silence can be golden also. Saying little to nothing is better than saying the wrong thing. Don't forget about the grieving family also. Stay in touch with them, especially in the early going, but again, don't call them or visit everyday. They need their space to be alone, think and grieve in their own, healthy manner. Also, be genuine and sincere in your comforting. As I mentioned earlier, do not feel the need to suddenly be in touch with them, try to take them out if you haven't really hung out with them. Lastly, do not try to force them into grieving a certain way, or into crying (or not crying). Unless you are their parent, sibling, child, bereavement counselor, or otherwise grief professional, that is not your place. It's best to stay out of it.

Grieving is a tough process, but one that's smoother with the Good Lord, faith, family, and friends. If one basically gives the comfort and assurance of letting the grieving folks know that they are behind them, that is a huge step towards recovery and living out the remaining days in peace and harmony.