Cremations: More Common and Normal

Let's be honest, especially if you're around my age or older.  The very first time you viewed an urn with a deceased person's ashes, you were a little creeped out. Now it's very normal for me, especially since I have had several family members cremated,  my brother included. It's a strange type of comfort.

Not only are cremations more cost effective,  they seem to be more convenient on the family. Granted the luxury of visiting them anytime in the cemetery would be gone.  However,  research indicates that cemeteries are filling up, and funeral homes are literally running out of places to bury folks. Also, cremations make for a more convenient,  less drawn out funeral. You don't have to worry about accessories such as a wreath,  a hearse, or opening and closing the grave. Plus, you get to keep your loved one with you all the time, rather than venture to the graveyard.  It's been quite a comfort for myself and my family.

Now I have heard opposing views, saying that cremating a human body is morally wrong,  and your circumstances may be different if you have a family plot or one near your spouse.  Well I'm here to tell you that turning a body to ashes is not wrong at all, and there is no concrete proof to suggest otherwise. There may be a case where you feel obligated to use the family plot and that's perfectly okay and understandable.

The dead seems to send chills down the spines of many. However,  not seeing a body at all, or just at the wake, can also be easier on the family.  You're not faced with seeing your loved ones in an unfamiliar fashion,  lying in peace.  Plus,  you always have the option of showing the body during the ceremony,  and having the cremation process take place afterwards.  To me, this is the best of both worlds.

I believe getting cremated is the best choice for myself. My brother wanted to be and so does my mother.  I have seen how differently families respond to cremations versus burials and I happen to like it. It's all about honoring the wishes of both the deceased and their loved ones.

I would encourage all to look into this before you immediately shoot it down. In the not so distant future,  it may be the only option you have after your soul leaves your body.

Do you or yourself know anyone that has been cremated?  How has the grieving family responded to it all?

Eulogy for Robert Willard Costner

April 8, 2013 was the date when I lost yet another person near and dear to my heart. He was my great uncle Robert Willard Costner. He was married to my great aunt, my grandmother's baby sister, Ellen Jean, for nearly 40 years.  Robert left us at the age of 67.
Robert was a private person, not one for the public eye at all. He stayed to himself and minded his own business. Therefore, his dying wishes were that be cremated, and that a funeral would be unnecessary for him. His daughter Sissy decided to just make a place for his urn and allow folks the opportunity to pay their respects at any time.
I respect my Uncle Robert's wishes, but I do feel like he deserves some sort of eulogy. And here it is.   
Robert grew up from humble beginnings, the eldest of six children. Outside of his quiet nature, he was known for his relentless work ethic. He began working at age 15 with no formal education at the local Community Cash supermarket.
He married Ellen Jean Dover in the late 1960s. Ellen already had a son, Jerry. Robert raised and reared him just as he was his own flesh and blood. Sissy was born in 1970. Shortly thereafter, Robert bought a house directly across from the mill he worked at for two decades in Clover, SC.
Robert was a dedicated worker, husband and father. He did not want his family needing or wanting anything in life or death. He would even work in the mill on holidays, often being the only person there.
He was never one to gossip or to just blatantly put anyone down. Robert handled his business like a real man should, and was pleasant to be around. He had a folksy, very country way of talking and telling stories. He maintained his sense of humor even after he became sick and then lost his wife.
Robert was especially good to my mom and myself. We were very close with all of them. He was a father figure to both of us. There's nothing we wouldn't have did for him.
His hard work may have permanently disabled him, but it did not stop him from paying off his home before he died. Life insurance took care of other expenses. Therefore, he did not leave Sissy, Jerry, or his grandchildren with any debts or burdens.
He was special not because he saved lives, gave a wad of money to a church, or won prizes. He was a regular, hardworking average Joe who treated everyone well and was usually honest and ethical. You don't find many men like this anymore.
My hope is we can all work hard and laugh like Robert spent a lifetime doing. He set a great example for his entire family. I will miss our conversations, how he always lit up whenever myself or Mom came to visit, and his determined spirit.
Many may not have known the real Robert Costner. My hope in this article is that you can get a taste of the type of man he was, and the type of man I want to be. 

Grieving: been there, done that, and what you shouldn't do

Losing a loved one can be devastating, even destroying your whole world and those in it around you. It's always toughest when you lose a best friend, sibling, parent, or the ultimate nightmare, one of your OWN children.

I've watched my mother suffer through the latter, ever since January 28, 2006, when my younger brother, Adam, passed away from an accidental drug overdose. That was the worst and toughest day of my life, and my toughest loss to date. It's like not only did I lose my only sibling, I lost a part of my mother. She's been strong (as I described in an earlier blog) but there's a part of her that can never be replaced, even with a future grandchild.

Along with my brother, I have lost best friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and even my own father (although I wasn't old enough to remember that one).

When someone you know suffers a tragic loss such as this, the natural instinct is to come to their rescue. Visit them, call them, bring money and food to their homes. Come around everyday until and during the wake, receiving of friends, and the funeral. I know folks that actually spend their weekends going to funerals. Morbid if you ask me.

Personally, I will comfort the grieving family during their loss and before the funeral. However, I'm not one to pretty much stay around the family unless they're extremely close to me. The grieving folks need their space, they're in extreme shock, tired from dealing with funeral arrangements, family, friends, etc, and often working on limited sleep.

The two main things I try to do (if possible) is make either one or all of the three: wake, receiving friends, and funeral. That's the least anyone can do. But that's when the grieving really begins and many folks fail to realize this. It's after all of the people have gone home, the body's in the ground or the urn is in safe keeping that one can truly begin the often-long process of moving on with that person they've grown accustomed to having in their lives.

Here are some basics dos and don'ts from a veteran griever and comforter on how to approach, talk to and even nurture the hurting loved ones.

Dos: Definitely keep in touch with the family, let them know you will be there for them. Although it's not my preference, call, visit with them prior to the funeral. Send money, food, peace lilies, etc, to show your good will. Show up for the funeral if at all possible. Most importantly, give the folks a few days to a week after the funeral. Then make arrangements to visit them and just talk with them, see how everything is going. Let them do most of the talking. Give kind comforting words, but only when necessary. Be comfortable as possible when dealing with these situations, especially for the mothers that have lost children

Don'ts: Call everyday, go to the house EVERY single day. You're only drawing attention to yourself, and honestly the grieving parties aren't going to remember you as well as you think. Make your visits few and far in between, and brief. Also, don't tell any false stories or memories about the deceased. If you two so much as never watch a TV show together, don't try and say "I remember how their laughter was. They loved to hang out". Silence can be golden also. Saying little to nothing is better than saying the wrong thing. Don't forget about the grieving family also. Stay in touch with them, especially in the early going, but again, don't call them or visit everyday. They need their space to be alone, think and grieve in their own, healthy manner. Also, be genuine and sincere in your comforting. As I mentioned earlier, do not feel the need to suddenly be in touch with them, try to take them out if you haven't really hung out with them. Lastly, do not try to force them into grieving a certain way, or into crying (or not crying). Unless you are their parent, sibling, child, bereavement counselor, or otherwise grief professional, that is not your place. It's best to stay out of it.

Grieving is a tough process, but one that's smoother with the Good Lord, faith, family, and friends. If one basically gives the comfort and assurance of letting the grieving folks know that they are behind them, that is a huge step towards recovery and living out the remaining days in peace and harmony.