Why I'm Not Currently Married Or Even Dating

I'm sitting back, fresh off of my 20 year class reunion. It was a very good time but given where you come from (and for me, these choice questions tend to arise at times).

Why aren't you married?
Why don't you have any kids?
You're too good of a guy to not have someone?
Where's your woman?

Sometimes I can tolerate this, except when folks become relentless. Then I have to check them and inform them of my quick reasoning. After that, I believe their curiosity turns into disrespect for what I want and my core values.

I read my friend and relationship/life coach's Troy Spry's book earlier this year "Teach Me How To Love 2". One of the biggest takeaways I got was that people aren't in touch with their core values and thus will settle quickly. I don't want that to be me, even I'm still single at my 30th high school reunion.

OK for all those that like to pry into my personal life (which is personal for a reason) at gatherings, seeing me out, social media, etc, here's something for you to read: some reasons why I am not married nor attached right now.

1. I simply haven't found the woman I can see spending the rest of my life with. I do hang out and go on dates and such, but at my age, I know what I want and will not settle. It's not being picky, it's knowing what I want and will tolerate.

2. Relationships nor marriages, especially marriages, are NOT to be rushed into. The divorce rate is high for good reason. Regardless of your age, one should take their time and chill when it comes to romantic affairs. It will happen if and when it's supposed to.

3. I would like for my own mother to see me married and have children. However, since I am a male, I am afforded the luxury of not having a biological clock. This means I can reproduce well on into my elderly years if I choose.  Look at Abraham from the Bible, Jerry Seinfeld, David Letterman, the list goes on. I'm a late bloomer at a lot of traditional things. It's not when but how well you do something.

4. I say this often, everyone is not meant to be married or even attached. I do respect the sanctity of marriages, love and relationships. However you must remember, everything is not for everyone and this includes love. Let us not forget Paul in the Bible.

5. I really, truly enjoy being single. I wrote a piece on it last year, and even participated in a non marital challenge on Facebook last month. One must love, enjoy and value themselves before they can give their heart to another person. Relationships are great with the right person, but single life has a lot of upsides as well. Therefore to those that wish they were single, please stop trying to drag me down.

6. Marriage and children are way more expensive than years ago. The wedding, home, taxes, cost of just one child from six weeks old to 18 years old (that's not including post secondary education.).  Even with a nice two income couple, all of this does cost. People can say you shouldn't worry about all of that and in a way I do agree. However, it's all about timing and I don't need too many bills rushing on me like an avalanche.

7. Lastly, why is it because I am a certain race, look a certain way, have a certain education, etc, etc mean I have to be with someone? Did someone rewrite the rules of society without telling me? Ok how about allowing me to be happy and great, okay? We are in a society where we are too judgmental and are trying to force feed beliefs on this culture and that culture. Let's think for ourselves and live the best lives we can live.

Ok here it is. Now are there any further questions? I really want to put this subject to bed or I will become even more selective about which folks I entertain.

I Love Nicki Minaj! 😍

I'm going somewhere with this title, so continue reading.

Many men may not necessarily love hip hop artist/actress/model Nicki Minaj. However, they love the stereotypical woman she betrays. Gorgeous face, body, insatiable sex appeal, perfect smile, and even that weird alien voice. Finally, she is viewed as a slutty, immoral freak. Do all men want this type of woman? Of course not. But there are men that like this, or at least find this type of woman very appealing.

Women like Nicki Minaj are rarely long term, wife material. They are often teases, whores and are often good for one night. They do possess traits that we like to see in our girlfriends and even wives. We like a female that is comfortable with her sexuality, is very confident, fashion conscious, and knows how to please a man and what they want.

Now now ladies how is this different than your fantasies? You like the men with the bald heads (thank you by the way), long beards, dreads, Timbs, washboard abs, and street cred. Many of you seem to want the same type of man and then have the audacity to bash a man for wanting a type of promiscuous girl.

I do realize most of this is a phase and fantasy. However when fantasy crosses into reality, there can be problems. You have to be compatible with a person all the way: body, mind and spirit. When reading Proverbs 31 referring to the virtrous woman, there is no mention of her outer appearance. Being older has made me realize this matters more than many will admit. Having the total package is much better. You don't want a woman long term that a Nicki Minaj represents. These come a dime a dozen. You want that rare person that comes into your life that you can't stop thinking about that changes the game for you. These dimes are pure and hold more value.

So yes love what Nicki Minaj has to offer and how she arouses you. But don't forget what she represents.

Food, Friends and Fun

McDonald's had a slogan in the 90s: food, folks, and fun. I thought I would put a spin on this with the title.

We often bond with friends, family and our significant others well over a hot cooked meal. Mainly because we all have to eat and especially in the South where most of us enjoy a good meal, it is a good way to relax and unwind from any busy work and such.

The family meal used to be a staple for years. Families would gather in front of the dining room table at dinnertime and talk about their day. Amazing, isn't it? You have some families (and even groups of friends) that go to lunch and/or dinner together at least once/week. Heck in my area, there are certain spots that are perfect for this. You have Chuck E Cheese for the younger folks, and places such as Broncos Mexican Restaurant for the adults.

I remember as a boy, my mom would take us to dinner at least a couple of times per week. During the week it was mostly fast food (unless we were going to Pizza Hut to cash in rewards from the Book It program) and on weekends it was the local fish camp or steakhouse. We loved to eat and it was a perfect bonding experience.

This weekend, restaurants have been jam packed due to tax season and Valentine's Day. Many friends and family have more disposable cash to go out for drinks and food. Also, this weekend is the perfect time for lovers to express themselves and this amour towards one another. It's a simple but effective way of spending time together.

I have found out that if you want people to show up anywhere, have food available. Once again, we all have to eat. I have met friends numerous times over meals, big and small. It is an awesome way to stay in touch.

How often do you and your friends/family go out to eat together? Where are some of your favorite meeting spots?

Relationship Assessment

More and more relationship quizzes and assessments are appearing. Cosmopolitan magazine is probably the most popular of the quizzes. However, we see more and more assessments other than relationship compatibility. Many companies use this method when evaluating and hiring new employees. It's definitely a growing trend

To this end, I have compiled my own relationship assessment. I plan on putting it on Survey Monkey, or another related site.

1. Do you workout/exercise/train?

2. How is your overall eating?

3. Do you want children (or any more)? How many?

4. Who do you think should pay on dates? What about bills?

5. What are the basic roles of a man in a relationship?

6. Do you like sports? If so, what are your favorites, along with teams?

7. What is your favorite restaurant?

8. Are you a dog or cat person?

9. What is your greatest fear?

10. Favorite quote?

11. What is your religious/spiritual affiliation?

12. Did you attend or plan to attend college? If yes, where?

13. Do you enjoy reading/writing? What is your favorite book?

14. Name your top five favorite TV shows.
15. Who are your top five rappers of all time?

16. Do you think you manage time well? Why or why not?

17. Would you date outside of your race?

18. Are you currently in a relationship?

19. Can you cook and if so, what are your best dishes?

20. How often do you pamper yourself? (manis, pedis, hair, etc)

21. What types of clothes do you normally wear?

22. Do you drink and/or smoke?

23. What does a perfect Saturday night consist of? Sunday morning?

24. Where was your best vacation?

25. How do feel about punctuality and organization? Are you a spur of the moment person?

A House Divided: Dating Someone Who Roots For a Different Sports Team

Now the most popular sport is back in full swing: football. The rivalries can spawn friends, coworkers and relatives not speaking for months.

What about significant others though?

It is interesting what I have heard and seen over the past few years. Many people won't even consider dating you if you root for a team they dislike or "the enemy."

OK now let's get something straight. I understand everyone has their preferences and standards, and they should. I'm as big of a sports fan as you will find, especially football. I write this post as I also watch two college football games simultaneously.

However, we must realize the key word here: game. It is important to fans and players but if you're in love with another person and you have other similarities, why can't you make it work? And you wonder why you're single.

It seems to be our generation is almost finding reasons either to be in a relationship or to stay single. Once again, if you want to be in a relationship with a certain person, be willing and able to put other barriers and obstacles aside. Many divided households make it work.

It's similar to men hating shopping, soap operas, and spas, or women not caring about sports, beer, or action movies. There will always be differences to work through. Just because you two will eventually become one doesn't mean you need to be exactly alike. We were created to be unique and have our own minds also.

Therefore, we should develop an attitude of gratitude, confidence and understanding. This can be challenging but you will not grow as a human being. Stepping outside of your comfort zone isn't always bad. Just find enough common ground to maintain chemistry.

Are you currently in a "house divided" situation? Would you date someone that roots for the enemy in your sport?

Mary Kale: A Celebration Of 80 Years In Life, Love and Christ

My great aunt Mary Elizabeth Kale Dover recently turned 80 years old, a milestone age for her as she is the first sibling out of her family to reach this age.

There are many great things I can say about this woman. She has been such an inspirational and stabilizing force throughout my entire life.

She was born as the third of twelve children, second oldest daughter to Bill and Orie Dover. Like many children during the Depression/WWII era, she had to assist in raising her youngest siblings, especially since both of her parents worked a lot.

She got married in the early 50s to Bill Kale. They had five children: Sandra, Tim, Vicki, and twin daughters Glenda and Belinda. They would eventually have thirteen grandchildren and seventeen great grandchildren, quite a legacy.

Now that Mary was a full time mother and wife, she still played mother figure to many others. Her beloved mother Orie passed away in 1958. Therefore her and her sister Myrtle (my grandmother) were the mothers to many of the younger siblings for life.

One of the most important lessons Mary learned and still practices and teaches to this day is about the Lord. She is one of the most devout Christians I know, and is never ashamed to express her faith. Being of the Pentacostal faith, she is very vocal about the Holy Ghost as well. Hearing her and my grandma pray always gave me cold chills.  She also is a wonderful singer, and her kids and many of her grandkids have inherited this spiritual gift.

Aunt Mary has been a tough woman throughout life's advertisies. She has witnessed both of her parents, her husband and several siblings pass on. She is one of only four remaining. She does not and cannot get around like she once could. You best believe she is still strong in heart and spirit. She is a person I have always enjoyed being around as she reminds me so much of my grandma and she is such a positive, spiritual person. They really don't make them like her anymore.

I firmly believe in giving folks the flowers while they can still smell them. Therefore, these piece is for you, Aunt Mary Kale. Thank you for all of your prayers and all you have did for the entire family. I love you as you have truly been a blessing and I am thankful everyday for people like you in my life.

Some Of The Tired Excuses Commonly Used To Get Out Of Socializing

Yep, gotta love the Spring and Summer seasons (or simply Summer if you're far enough South). It's when everything and everyone usually comes out and spends more time outdoors.

This being said, there will be people you can't wait to see and spend time with: friends, family, significant others, crushes. Then there are the rest: those that you are trying to avoid like the plague.

You've heard them, you've probably used them, but here are some of the common excuses used to blow off certain folk.

1. Sorry my phone died and I missed your call/text

In the era of smartphones, you would think it would be easier to reach someone. Wrong. It's actually doable to blame not seeing someone on your device, since basically you have everything on it.

2. I'm going out of town

Yeah you stay out of town more than a travel agent. Yet you post updates, location check-ins and pictures of you and other friends.

3.  I fell asleep early

4. I slept in

5. I had an old friend from out of town come in for a few days

6. I forgot my college homecoming/reunion is coming up.

7. I was in the gym or running.

Obviously one of my favorite ones

8. I'm going on vacation

9. I have an exam tomorrow and two papers this week

10. My relative graduates school this week

11.  It's a holiday weekend

OK I will stop here. The bottom line is miss us all with the excuses. If you don't want to make time for someone, tell them discreetly, honestly and clearly. Please constantly stop making yourself unavailable, unless you're the President of the United States.

Good grief indeed Charlie Brown.

What are some other excuses you have heard and/or used?

Five Years Of Writing: Where Has The Time Went

It's extremely hard to believe I decide to start blogging five years ago on April 18, 2010.  I feel grateful for my loyal readers and all of the support I have received along the way. It has definitely been quite a ride.

It seemed it took forever for me to start blogging and to stay focused with it. Now it's like second nature and I strive to have good topics of discussion weekly. This is why I named it "random intelligence and such". I may have started out with reviewing sweet teas, but I have covered many topics, people, places and areas. Sports, love, music, entertainment, food, other writers, and most anything popular. I even have my bi-annual awards pieces, highlighting the stupidity and injustices throughout the year.

I have researched, studied and worked to improve as a writer, and grow my avenues beyond writing. Some things to expect are a couple of e-books, more online publications, some public speaking engagements and many more. I simply love reading and writing, and I want to do it as much as I can. 

This is also a thank you to Blogger for allowing me to keep my posts going for this long. Patience is a virtue and it has carried me through my writings.

Continue to support me as I push forward. Happy 5th Birthday Drew's World Of Random Intelligence and Such!

Why It's Cool For Women To Join The Clean Plate Club

It seems for a while, especially in certain regions and areas, men have been taking women to dinner. Also for a while, it appears that many women don't clean their plate or even take home leftovers.

This can be problematic for a number of reasons. 

Women, please read carefully. Now in the early stages of dating, nerves are expected and often eating isn't the main coursr at a restaurant. However, eventually, you should feel comfortable enough around a man to eat, REALLY eat, and not feel shameful about it.

Being a member of the clean plate club can have its benefits. We men like women that are secure in themselves and their own skin. That being said, this doesn't mean pigging out and ignoring table manners. But if you're hungry, eat!

Bringing leftovers is the least you can do. I understand many people don't eat a lot at a single setting. However, it can be rude and expensive if you continuously want your significant other taking you out for dinner, but you simply nibble around. Perhaps you should simply stick to appetizers or stay at home and cook. 

You will have to reach a point of comfort in a romantic relationship. This can start with simply making an effort at the dinner table and eating if you're hungry. It can humanize you more.

Do you have this problem on dates? When it comes to dating, are you in the clean plate club?

Embracing Being Single

Valentine's Day is the one holiday that tries and make single folks feel bad about being single. It is the day that ultimately spawned cuffing season (explained in another blog.).

However, if you're single, things aren't all bad. Many people are unspoken for by choice. Some do not need to be committed to anyone period. Either way, the day is supposed to be about loving each other, not just our significant other.

Another point here is that one must be able to fully love themselves before they can expect another person to accept their love. This can take a lot of work and there should be no timetable on this.

Also, society in general tries to force people together. This goes from the churches, the workplace and even the economy. In their eyes, getting married and having a family keeps the country populated and keeps commerce flowing. Families do spend more money than single folks statistically.

Despite all of this, enjoy the single life and don't let any factors sway you from it.  Work on yourself, learn to love, spend more time with close friends and family and soak in the benefits. Oftentimes the best person to be around is yourself.

Now if you do not truly want to be single, that's a different story. Either way, live in the moment and take every change and scenario as they come along.

When Valentine's Day comes, give of yourself. Participate in social and church activities, chaperone a children's party or dance, and simply make extra time for yourself as you would your partner.

I'm not saying to give up on love, or even marry yourself. Simply enjoy your current state of life. Today is a gift, the present.

Remember biblical scholars, everyone is not meant to have someone. Paul never married for instance.

What are your feelings towards single folks? Do you believe there is someone for everyone?

The Ship Has Sank! Seven Ways You Know The Relationship Is Over

Well you're probably wondering whether the "ship" is worth saving or is it damaged permanently. This doesn't mean just a romantic relationship. It could be a friendship, partnership, or most any type of bond ending with the suffix "ship". You're probably at odds whether or not it's really over and should you move forward. Here are a few ways one can know.

1. It has become more one sided.

The person involved only sees or talks to you when it's convenient for them, and they always want something. It's no longer give and take. It's take and take, and take again. This is extremely unhealthy.

2. One of four major factors keeps breaking down

These four are: honesty, communication, trust and respect. These are all vital for any "ship" to stay afloat. Once the point is reached where you cannot do this, you should have a definite answer.

3.  They cut themselves out of your life.

You no longer hang out, talk, or even like each other's statuses and pictures on social media. At this point, it's like trying to water a plant that has already died. Resuscitation isn't going to help when they have already pulled the plug mentally.

4. Tension is high

That good feeling and vibe you once got about them has vanished. You feel uncomfortable and on edge around them. Also, one can feel unsafe and sick.

5. No effort on their part

The bond has been broken and they are not trying to address nor fix it. They are not trying to work on the "ship".

6. Both of you have changed/evolved.

Life happens , both of you start simply growing apart from each other. This isn't always a bad thing either. It basically means the "ship" has ran its course.

7. You feel more alive when they aren't around.

This is the polar opposite of #4. Their presence makes you feel awful, while their absence has no impact on you or a great impact. You then realize that it is time to part ways.

OK I believe you all got it now, if you didn't before. So don't lose sleep and play Clue in your head. It's no murder mystery. Discernment is a wonderful trait to possess, and having this helps determine who should be in your world.  You can then live a more peaceful, happy life.

Are there other ways not listed that you can tell if a "ship" is about to sink? Care to share any personal experiences?

10 Different Types Of Friends

We encounter many different types of friends in our lives. Some are very loyal,  always down with us. Others serve different purposes, and we know the role they play in our lives. Which type of friend are you to a certain person?  Everyone can't be #1 to everyone, that's just the way of the world.

1. Old homies/best friends. 

You have a long history with these friends.  They know you better than you know yourself. You all may still hang out, but you may not because of proximity,  work schedules,  etc. However,  it seems when you do all hang out or talk, nothing is lost. You simply pick back up where you left off. 

2. Hang Out/Partying Friends

These are simply the friends you have wild times with. Parties, bonfires,  drinking,  smoking,  clubbing,  etc. Their devotion is really tested, however,  when one needs bail money.

3. Business/Work.

You know each other through work and spend a lot of time mostly because of that. You may hang out, go to dinner and do fun stuff together.  However,  outside of business at hand, there isn't much in common.

4. Hook Up/Connections

These are your friends with all the connections on everything from EBT to hotel rooms and other vacation amenities.  They know or are your mechanics and fix it folk. They basically help you obtain things at a free or a discounted price.  They are also good for a job reference or even giving you extra work.

5. Opposite Sex Friends (minus the benefits).

These friends serve many purposes. You may be able to talk to them easier about things that your same sex friends wouldn't understand. They give you the point of view from the opposite sex. They also may be good either as a connection friend also, or a mother/father figure.

6. Simply Virtual Friends.

These are friends that you communicate with primarily through social media. You don't really hang out with them, and you may not know them in real life. However,  you all have awesome conversations and discussions over status updates, hot button topics,  and pictures. 

7. Friends That Are Like Fam.

Similar to #1, these are your elite friends.  They are closer than a friend.  They are more like a brother or a sister. You can count on them for anything and they won't betray you. You could have known them for a couple of years or decades but they are there for the long haul.

8. Frenemies (Fake Friends)

We have many people in life that we entertain briefly,  mostly to be polite. There is no real friendship. You may have a mutual friend, connection or interest. That is basically it. This isn't the person you call over to watch the game with, or have a drink. 

9. Activity Friends.

These may be the friends that you see the most, as they are the ones who are at the activities you partake in the most. Parties,  cookouts, church,  sporting events, and even vacations.  These are who you do all your fun stuff with, often for convenience or mutual love for the same thing.  Good friendships can be built from these fun activities.

10. Down For Anything,  Beat Down friends.

These are the ones you call or contact when you feel in harm's way.  They will be there on the double to protect you. Some of them aren't even afraid to go to jail for you. If someone is threatening you or whatever,  they have your back and your front. They are like your team.

Friends come and go, in most categories and instances. Again, know which roles they have in your lives, and the ones to draw closest to.

The Life Cycle Of Dating For The Average Male

We men are not that complicated, really. It just appears women want to make us that way. However, our levels of maturity and cycles of dating are something out of the ordinary. 

Here is a sample, not an exact model, of a typical dating cycle for a man from boyhood until way deep into life.

1. Chasing Around During Recess

This is how women first get into bad boys. They often fail to get past the perception "if he hits you, he likes you." This is usually only true in elementary school,  when he chases you around,  throws rocks at you, and may throw you in the mud. He may occasionally write one of those corny "do you like me" notes.  At this age, those, he is literally about the chase.

2. The butt and boob grab.

This is around middle school and early high school. Puberty has ascended upon the males and hormones are out of control,  especially with how the girl's bodies have matured.  In short, this is the pervert portion of a young male's life. Oftentimes the guys will show their affection by grabbing a girl's booty and running.  The more brave will grab a breast.  These are the times when a young man has usually received his first kiss, once he learns to control his hands. 

3. Puppy Love.

You are full on into high school.  You have many crushes, but may only one to date one girl. You want to take her to the school dance, prom, or even want her to be your first. This can turn into puppy love,  as you believe this is your future wife. Sometimes this ends up that way, but most of the times the guy still wants to play the field.

4. Young Adulthood.

The guy either is married right now, or is engaged in a variety of activities. These could include college,  the military,  or their first full time job. They're trying to earn enough money and/or education to make themselves more desirable to a woman, even if they aren't settling just yet.

5. Going through certain female types.

You may be going through your "opposite race" phase, big girl, prep, cheerleader,  or even cougar phase. An older,  attractive woman has their eye on you,  and you feel like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate: flattered and drawn into her. You could end up with any of these ladies,  but you at least want to try out these ladies first.

6. Settling Down

OK now you're ready to settle. You have it together financially,  you have a steady woman, maybe a child or two together.  You realize it's time to become a family man and get married.

7. Divorcee' or widower

It can  be tough to get back in the saddle when your perfect marriage has fallen apart. You almost have to learn the dating game again,  depending upon how long you have been out of it. It can be very challenging. 

8. The Old Man In The Club.

This is something most do not care to be. They are few,  but around.  These men are like sugar daddies,  going after much younger women, trying to manipulate them, and even using old school lines on them.

9. Old, Retired, and Just Tired

At a certain point,  even the most vibrant man cools down.  Viagra and Cialis have increased sexual activity amongst the senior citizen community. However many would rather settle in and watch Matlock with their wives and go to bed at 8pm than go out hunting for more or new action. 

Men's sexual peak does end early, and that's probably why so many of us like to date a lot while young. Either way, if he's the settling type, he will eventually settle.  Just allow him to do it on his terms and bear in mind he may have more living left to do.

Men: Commit! Or Quit and Keep It Moving!

OK fellas to avoid being anti-female and keep my blog balanced, I have a simple message for you all, especially the grown up men over 30. Please stop playing around with these women that are looking for something deeper than sex or a simple relationship.  If a long term commitment isn't your thing,  let it go and move on.

Do it for the good of mankind.

Women aren't even comparing us to dogs anymore because dogs are too loyal.  Rather we are more like cats: sneaky, not wanting much affection, having a different agenda, and chasing after rats.  Admittedly it's a harsh comparison but a very true one. It appears that the many ones out there plotting and playing games makes it tougher for us good men to convince a woman that we are right for them.

Fellow men, the last thing we need is another challenge. Finding true love and connecting with that woman is difficult enough.  The waters are further muddied with nasty, trifling guys basically misrepresenting the male race.

Some of you never will be that type of man andd that's not all bad. You are who you are and no one should force you to change.  All I'm asking is to be honest with yourself and these women who want more. Find someone that's into the games and lack of committment.  Trust me, these women are out there and they love to sneak around also. However, when a female does it, the double standard is applied and they are called whores. 

Men, wouldn't you be much happier with a woman who's not looking for anything significant?  It will take the pressure off of you, especially when it comes to commitment and philandering. Please don't ruin the good women out there, just as you have smeared the image of the average male. It's time for this madness to end.

Women, don't be bitter, be BETTER!

It seems women have a lot of hard feelings when they choose the wrong mate, or when their "perfect" mate wrongs them. It appears they are acting out a scene from "Waiting To Exhale" , then they often punish the next guy that shows interest.

Women, please listen to me for a few minutes.  Not all men are perfect,  but not all men are bad. Often when things go south,  it's not always the man or men in general.  You have to keep things in perspective and know when and where you have went wrong also. It's not an easy thing,  but after a while, you must look at your own choices. 

The simple definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. " When you date the same quality or pedigree of man, you can only expect equal treatment.  You must look elsewhere.  Try a different type of man: one that is more gentle, from a different background than yourself,  an humble man, or even one of a different race. Either way, spice things up.

Also, keep your heart open and love yourself fully. How can you expect to give your love to someone else if you aren't sure of yourself and at peace?

Next,  please stop trying to make a man into a project. You are not Jesus, so don't try to work miracles. Changing a grown - up man takes too much work, work that is often for naught.   Accept a person as they are and add to their life,  rather than take away or rebuild it.

The bottom line is ladies: be BETTER! You have to be what you want to attract.  You may have a great job, a fine education,  and are extremely attractive.  However,  you must also bring an open, compassionate heart and mind to the table and not baggage from your past.  Let that go.

You can win in the game of love my females. However please stop with all the man bashing.  This isn't a reality show or a Tyler Perry movie. Life is real and we should all be real and true with it, and our hearts.

Doing Setups Right

This Friday is the first day of Spring.  Usually this is breakup season, and many more folks are single this time of year.

Due to this fact, many people (friends,  family,  co-workers, etc) will try to fix the newly or long time single person with someone that they may not be compatible with. They often don't have a clue what either person really wants.  What they see is two single people who seem to look good together surface wise and think they would be a good pair. Unfortunately this isn't always the case.

This is one of many reasons setups and blind dates rarely work out. You shouldn't assume that someone is lonely because they are single.  One should not try to dump off a particular friend, sibling, co-worker, church member, etc,  on someone else. Allow these two adults to determine if they want each other.

You can act as a medium or a buffer to get them introduced. However,  follow these tips to successfully introduce them without meddling or making false judgments.

1. Ensure they are compatible. 

Again never assume, especially in the dating realm. Just because two people went to the same college, same race, same hometown, or even both own an Android phone,  doesn't mean they are meant to grow old together.  Find other things they may have in common. Also, make sure both parties are open to dating.

2. Let them do most of the work.

It's fine to introduce them and make sure they're properly acquainted. However,  after that, it may be best to step back and let them be adults. Allow them to get to know each other, talk,  go out, and take it to whatever level they wish to do.

3. Don't keep tabs on them

This is of paramount importance. They are dating each other,  NOT you and everyone else. They do not need to be your new couple friends, and you need not ask about them all the time. This is their relationship. If they want you to know, you will. Just don't pester them and drive them apart. 

4. Stop trying to pity one or the other. 

Yes some people have trouble finding dates on their own. However, there is always a reason,  good or bad, why they are single. What they don't need is someone adding to their disappointment. Again, simply arrange that they meet if they desire,  but don't automatically think they will be compatible.  They need your help, not your pity.  Do not throw someone you care about to the wolves to a certain rejection. 

Basically,  simmer down on trying to fix everyone up and marry everyone off. Believe it or not, everybody isn't meant to be married,  or even date steadily.  Let that person be themselves and stop trying to fit them into your ideal life. There will be less resentment and disappointment later.

Loving past February and Valentine's Day

This week of course is one of love, culminating with St. Valentine's Day. During most commercialized holidays, many industries make a lot of money. For this holiday, it's the candy, flower, card restaurant, spa, and hotel corporations and companies that are expected to make a killing.

A killing all in the name of love.

Love is a beautiful thing, and being in love and expressing these emotions are wonderful.  However, why must we ONLY do this once, or even a few times a year? If you love someone or something, some sort of gesture should be made everyday. 

I will start with Christians and loving the Lord. Most who know me know how I cannot stand how hype church folks get after a certain Sunday service, then I don't see nor hear them make further mention of God or Jesus until the next week. I throw Matthew 6:5-8 at them. That verse can actually be a good theme for this entire blurb, especially my next point. 

This Valentine's, you will see all sorts of flowers, candies and gifts delivered to workplaces and schools nationwide. I have two quips here: why make that type of gesture when you are going to see them that evening?, and why don't you do this regularly? It seems too many reserve this for Valentine's, birthday, anniversary, or another special occasion. 

Next is loving your fellow person. This could be your parents, children, other family members, friends, and such.  We don't show or send our affection often enough. Whenever me and my circle of friends or family get together, we always  express this, as we want to make every moment count.

Therefore, whatever you do on this holiday of love, make it count and don't use the day as an excuse to do something special.  Let us endeavor to do this everyday, even with some simple words. Now that's love. 

You Are A Mate, Not A Remote Control

Many of the things people usually do in a new year is lose weight, become healthier, make more money and find love. Some become so desperate or caught up in love that their new beau makes them a doormat or puppet, controlling all or part of their lives.

I've seen it happen over and over. Some people love control and domination for various reasons.  They have trust issues. They are in management or leadership positions and are used to taking charge. Or they are possibly delusional and have been watching too many of those clique' Lifetime struggle movies.

Many times, after the love fades,  the person realizes things must change or they need a way out. Sometimes it takes others praying and intervening to give this individual the strength to stand tall and to work a compromise. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. They are NOT your toys, children, or universal remote control.  This is your partner (mate, spouse, lover). Often even the most docile person will eventually put their foot down against unjust treatment. 
This being said, it's good and healthy for two people to encourage and compliment each other. Positive change is usually always good, especially when a person has destructive habits such as verbal abuse, drinking, incompetence, and non-compassion. However, one should get to know their main squeeze well and realize there are some things, and people that you cannot change or control. You knew who this person was when you met them; it's not fair to try and make them who you want them to be. If they don't like shopping all day on a Saturday or sports, then you need to find a friend, or another mate who's into that.  The term equally yoked is used for a reason. When you two become one, it means you embrace your similarities and celebrate and tolerance differences. It is give and take after all.

Basically, control and manipulation isn't the way to go.  It's time to put down the whip and use your words to get what you want from a person.  One should do what they want to do, not what they feel they have to, or out of fear or a guilt trip. 

No relationship of any kind will be perfect. However, having mutual respect for one another and trusting them to be themselves goes a long way. Let's drive people towards us and not away from us. Strangely enough, you will find a more caring, willing mate that doesn't require manipulation or anything an underqualified love guru is feeding you.

How have you been controlled/controlling in the past? What happened to make it all stop?

Women: You Deserve MORE, PERIOD

Ok this is usually the time of year where men and women alike start trying to get that special someone for the colder weather.  I've written about this from several different angles. Here is another one regarding a woman's self-worth.

Alicia Keys wrote and recorded a song over a decade ago "A Woman's Worth." The gist of it is that women will lower themselves to the lowest common denominator just to have someone. They will be with a mate that abuses them physically and mentally, neglects them, and simply doesn't have much to offer in return.  They pretty much prefer to be committed and miserable than single and lonely.

The title is simple my females: you DESERVE MORE!!!

Now I'm not just talking money, jewelry, or other material possessions.  It's always nice when someone can take care of you financially.  However, love yourself and know your worth. Make that person want to love you as well, show you affection, laugh with you, be your best friend.  That's what really counts in the end.

Now I'm not one to reference Steve Harvey often but he was right in saying sometimes you have to require more of yourself from suitors. That's right, raise and adjust those standards. Get the man that will go the extra mile. Have that person that will stand tall for you and not back down when the going gets tough. You need you a warrior on your team.

It's time to stop complaining about the lack of good men when you are dating the same "type" of man. Look within yourself and see what you attract. Often you will find you're better than that.

So ladies, please don't settle, simply settle down when that real love comes along.  Leave the games on the playground and go get what is yours!

Rodney and Keia: An eight year journey of love

The institution or idea of marriage is not taken seriously anymore. The divorce rate is climbing daily, weddings are highlighted more than the marital union, and over 50 percent of black women never get married in their lifetime.

Now enter young black couple and soon to be newlyweds Rodney Davidson and Keia Dawkins. They have a wonderful and long love story worthy of talking about.

Rodney and Keia first were acquainted in 2005. Keia was working at Winn Dixie and Rodney happened to stop by her register one day. She initiated things, asking if he had a girlfriend and wanted his phone number.  Rodney played hard to get and a little cool at first, but they ended up exchanging numbers. Three months later, they were a steady couple.  Rodney started bringing Keia around his friends and family. This is always a sign that you're serious about someone, especially since they were only 18 at the time.

Four years later, in 2009, Rodney realized that Keia was the one for him and he eventually wanted to marry her. According to him, when you get that feeling, you simply know without a doubt. 

Their engagement was also nice as well. In October 2011, Rodney was at work on Keia's birthday. She was with friends and family celebrating at Broncos Mexican Restaurant.  Little did she know, Rodney had a special suprise for her: a proposal. He came by the restaurant on his break and popped the question. She of course said yes, and now it was time to plan their wedding and life together.

Rodney said one of the biggest challenges during the engagement was getting his credit score high enough so he could get a house for him and his new bride to be. He and Keia have always been hard workers, both often working two jobs to get what they need and want. They recently closed on their house, and their wedding is right around the corner.

Eight years is as long as many marriages last. These two have stuck it out through the temptations and tough times. Their love and trust prevailed throughout the years. Rodney advises anyone wanting to make a relationship last a long time to put God first, trust Him, and trust your significant other with all your heart.  There shouldn't be any doubts or secrets. It's common but golden advice that many people do not follow.

Now Rodney and Keia are nearly ready to simply enjoy being husband and wife, and live each following step as they have during the course of the relationship.

True, long lasting love is still possible, as proven by this story. It takes love, trust,and hard work.   You must be equally yoked, and be patient in the good and bad times.

I'm confident that when Rodney and Keia become one, their marriage will have a long shelf life. They are not taking this lightly and want to continue to love each other.  Life can be simpler when we're willing to listen to our instincts, follow our hearts and be trusting.  It's risky but can be very rewarding.